2016

It's the second day of 2016, folks!

To be honest, I have stopped celebrating and feeling festive about new year since a few years ago, I usually just feel kind of... neutral. Not particularly happy nor sad about the fact that a new year has come around. However, this year is kind of different. For the first time ever, I felt blue on the new year's eve as the thought of being kind of 'old' started to sink in my thougts.

I'm only 19, turning 20 in this new year. Not old at all right? But I keep feeling that there is time-bomb ticking inside of me and it makes me feel that my time to do whatever I want to do and can do is running out rapidly. It's like I'm being chased by something that I can't even decipher what it is and that something keeps telling me that at this age, I should be accomplishing something significant. The fact that at the age of 20 I have not accomplished anything much sometimes depresses me. I know sitting around and waiting for a big thing to happen just by itself is impossible but it's just that I do not even know what in the world it is that I want to accomplish and create.

2015 was a breezy year for me, as compared to the extremely depressing 2014, 2015 was more slow-paced and it was a year that lifted me up greatly from the slump that I was in. It was also the year in which I finished my dissertation and rediscovered my passion for academic writing. Yay to that!

More importantly, 2015 was the year in which I learned that success has a different meaning to everyone and so does happiness. Just because someone's pursuit of happiness takes a different path from yours does not mean that they are taking the wrong turn. Perhaps, what is important to you does not matter as much to them. 

There are some small wishes that I hope to fulfill this year. Firstly is for me to learn to become more appreciative of what I have. People often do not realize what they are blessed with until those things are taken away from them. I've felt the regret from such a thing once and now I'm trying my best to not take things for granted. The second small wish of mine is for me to find that one thing. The thing that makes me feel alive, my raison d'etre. I am the kind of person who has always been excited to learn many new things but never really get to focus my passion and energy on one thing and one thing only. So, I hope to find that one thing that I want to chase after. There's still a very long list of  my small wishes, but I can't possibly type every single one of them into this page because that would be too embarassing for me to bear. 

In my opinion, a new year does not mean a clean slate nor a new you. No matter what you want to think and what you want to believe, a new year is just another day and it's a continuation of a long process called life. You can never hit a reset button because it does not exist, let's be realistic. But, what you can do is to look ahead. Your past does not define you but never forget who you are, just like one of my favorite fictional characters, Tyrion, said, you gotta wear it like your armour so it can never be used to hurt or against you. Easier said than done right? I'm in the process of embracing the philosophy myself. Good luck to all of you and may you have many more great days ahead!